Tai Chi?

Stretching helps the knee problem but now my leg looks like water on the knee. Oh the joy of growing old.  Who knew?  I remember helping my mom with her aches and pains.  She had a pool but she had difficulty getting into it. Time to prevent all that.

People who have always exercised can't understand those who do not.  Laziness is my excuse but it is time to get over that. Maybe Tai Chi. It helped once before.  That is it.  No more excuses, except to feel better first.

Direction

Back to purpose in life.  Yesterday Sara and I planned a few day trips. NYC museums or a quilt show.  It takes a lot of planning to spend the day out.  Who will be home for Dave?  Yesterday, Dave decided to get out of bed without help, then the next thing he is falling on the floor.  I was lucky to catch a male friend who helped him get up. I can't do it by myself. Then this morning, Dave's sugars were low and he was weak.  I managed to get the wheelchair and transported him to breakfast.  Breakfast helped.  Sugars are back to normal.

Then there is my aching knee.  Is this nature's way of telling the caretaker to take care of herself?  I am going to therapy but it hurts.  I guess it will help.  A cane would help too.  Hah.

Okay, enough of this pity party.  Time for the music therapy and making that list.  Hey, maybe a manicure too!

Make a list

Making a list always motivates me to get to work.  I must be a type B personality because I am easily distracted and avoid doing chores that must be done.  I have trouble finishing one room.  If I put something away into another room, I find another chore in that room.  Hence, never finishing anything.  Time to read the "Sink Reflections, FlyLady".

Then there are chores that can not wait.  For example, the dog needs his potty break.  Dave needs help getting out of bed.  Breakfast begins.  I have always marveled at the professional housewife who has everything in order.  It was easier for me to go out to work each day and hire someone to do a few chores.  I never found any joy in just being a housewife.  Well, that must be my problem in retirement.  Time to change my attitude.  Back to my list.

Guilty pleasures

Care of self.  I am getting a hair cut today and can not wait. I wonder why certain luxuries give me pause, make me feel guilty that I am spending money foolishly.  Getting a hair cut is not one of them.  Getting a mani/pedi is a guilty pleasure. Although the pedicure is becoming a necessity  (I tell myself) because it is getting difficult to cut my toenails. A body massage?  Too expensive but oh so nice.  I think I will save for these extras and treat myself without guilt.  Hah.

Therapeutic fiblets

I attended a lecture about dementia last night.  The speaker was a doctor and was just excellent.  I learned so much about dementia and it's many facets.  It is interesting to hear other people in the audience asking questions.  You knew where they were on this journey.  I learned too that I went through many phases years ago.  I wish I had this knowledge at that time.  It would have explained Dave's behavior.

One topic was on how to deal with the many mood swings in dementia.  Hallucinations  and disillusionment were also discussed.  I think I have been doing this all along but here it is again.  Don't get into an argument with your loved one.  I know there was nothing I could say or do to convince Dave out of something he made up and believed to be true.  It is helpful to know it is easier for you to change the subject than to try to change the loved one's reality.  The doctor said, in his profession, they called it therapeutic fiblets.  You many not be telling the entire truth but you are helping the dementia patient out of his perceived reality.

It is so difficult to understand this brain disease.  I thank God for friends and family , helping me through.

Positive emotions

My emotions must be at the very surface, ready to escape.  If I get on a heartfelt topic, the tears will come.  If I sing a sad song, the tears come easily.  But maybe tears are cathartic.  One of my close friends recited a self- healing chant.  He said, "Close your eyes, think of someone as you recite:  I choose happiness.  I choose health. I choose to be free."  Do this again for others you hold dear and also do it for yourself.  The body has the ability to do all of these things.  Again, I feel the tears brewing but in a good way.  Let me always be positive because as a caregiver, I choose not to bring harm to my body.

Drinking and vascular dementia

It is easy to point the finger at Dave and think he has vascular dementia from too much drinking.  His German heritage made it normal to consume a lot of beer.  Was it the beer or the hard alcohol that created plaque in his veins?  Was it beer that made his father have a cerebral stroke... again, vascular issues? A depressing thought.  This could have been prevented.
   It was a wake up call for my kids when they witnessed their dad in a coma, recovering from an operation, complicated by withdrawal. Again the alcohol.  It is in the genes.  Hence we all drink too much.  I know I do.
   I could go on and on about this depressing topic but it is easier to say, it is what it is, sweep it under the table and forget it.  Except maybe a word to the wise is sufficient, as my mother used to say.

and now a bunny

I know I talk about my dog's potty break a lot but you have no idea how long this takes.  I understand from dog trainers that everything must be perfect before the dog will expose himself.  Hence , my anger when the cat has to join us, meowing loudly.  This morning I thought I left the cat behind only to find a baby bunny in the yard.  The bunny seems so tame.  We can get almost two feet near him, then off he goes, running and hopping into the air.  My dog can think of nothing else.  Just when he gets focused  to do his business, along comes a neighbor, walking her dog.  It is hopeless.  I give up and go inside, only to have Shaemus the dog stare and bark at me.  Out we go again.  Finally, success, no distractions.

Rebellion

Father's Day is this Sunday.  Company is coming.  Dave is on an antibiotic so maybe his sleepiness will diminish. My Dad was similar to my hubby in many ways but extremely different in others.  My Dad would take extra care of his tools, wrapping them in an oil cloth to put them safely away in the garage.  Dave would leave his tools where he was last using them.  One time my Dad said, "Your hammer is out in the yard."  Dave would reply, "I know."  So, what created this lack of care on Dave's part?  He tells me his Dad made him the clean-up boy.  After building houses all day, it was Dave who had to  pick up everything.  Hence, a rebellion was building.

It was Dave's attitude towards life that must have kept me attracted to him.  I look back on our hippie days, Viet Nam war era. Maybe he was right, life is too short, so why worry about the small stuff?

A very loud cat

The noisy cat is so loud in the morning.  "Feed me, feed me, pay attention to me!", he shouts.  I rush to get out the door with the dog, leaving the cat behind.   Ahhh, peace and quiet.  The dog and I walk slowly through the yard, finding that perfect spot to pee.  Sometimes, two or three woodchucks are out grazing the clover but they take off the minute they see us.  Success! The dog is able to void without interruption.  Back to the house to find Mr. Noisy.   The cat will often go after the dog.  At least it is not my leg.  I quickly feed the damn cat and all is well.

Life's little annoyances make me think if I weren't so busy with Dave, I would have more patience. Time to start my day.  I should be glad I have purpose.

The Long Good bye

When I research dementia, my blog comes up.  It made me think I am misleading others by my title and not writing about dementia but rather how I deal with each day.  Sometimes I like to write how Dave is doing each day.  Lately, he has been sleeping so much.  His circadian rhythm is off as well.  And then there is sundowners.  I try to explain his different moods, often getting disheartened by his lack of participation in life.  But then at three in the morning, Dave is ready to chat.  I am not alone.  I learn from others who have a loved one with similar problems, having the same experiences.  It is like a roller coaster, with it's ups and downs.  One friend told me this is called "the long good bye". Let me not dwell on the inevitable or the sadness of what life once was.  In a few months, we will have been married for fifty years.  Time to crank up the music and get busy living .

Sunday Dinner

Sundays are the best .  My two sons take turns cooking Sunday dinner.  I do very little.  The best part is being with family.  I remember thinking how nice it is to get together on holidays.  Call it karma, I got my wish.  It is becoming family tradition.  Some families have always done this.  I remember thinking how nice.

Have things changed?  I remember as a kid, hating those Sunday dinners.  It meant taking a long drive with my parents to visit their parents, usually in the Bronx.  It was a long, boring day for me.   Then as I grew older, I was given permission to stay home.  Hooray.  More time to be with my friends.  But now, as I grow older, wouldn't I give anything for Sunday dinner with my parents, long gone.  I am so fortunate to have wonderful kids who even want to spend the day with us.

Next Sunday is Father's Day.  Let's hope Dave will stay awake long enough to enjoy it.   AND the next day, my niece and her family will visit.  More blessings. I love the company.  It will be like having two Sunday dinners with all the family.  Hooray.

Caretaker's Worry

The worry of being a caretaker or should I say the worry of doing the correct thing is always a challenge for me.  Dave has vascular problems which makes me think, "Is he getting enough air?"  Bedtime seems to be the worst.  He is half asleep in his chair when I say ," Time for bed."  As Dave struggles to stand, he barely makes it to the back room.  I quickly say, "Sit down in the walker chair!" It is a miracle I get him into bed.  My mind starts thinking, "Who can I call if he falls out of this walker?" Next time I will have the wheelchair handy. It is the zombie type of behavior that makes me distraught.  I test his sugars and blood pressure.  Numbers are good. Dave sleeps.

In the morning, I have a new person.  Dave is bright eyed and bushy tailed, asking what is for breakfast.  All he needed was sleep.  So much sleep, that worries me too.

Dog Therapy Part 2

My new dog, Shaemus is just great.  He seems to have taken on the role of Dave's protector.  When I walk Dave down the hall, Shaemus follows alongside.  This morning, Shaemus kept prancing back and forth from the bedroom to me in the living room.  His happy tail was saying, "he's awake."  And sure enough, Dave was awake.

The cat is another story.  Mini the cat is jealous of Shaemus and has gotten so needy, looking for my attention. If I don't take the time to acknowledge him, he will grab my leg, claws digging in.  Mini has taken to following Shaemus and me around the yard as Shaemus looks for his potty spot.  This interrupts Shaemus's plan as to where he should pee.  Ahh, patience I say and shush the cat away.  Finally, the deed is done and we all head back to the house.

The good part of having a dog is probably obvious.  Besides his companionship, Shaemus insists on a long walk , something I have been avoiding.  I feel better already.

Becoming a Vegetarian

Becoming a vegetarian is a passing thought I am having.  I had the complete pep talk from my friend who is also Vegan.  Today I am making black bean burgers.  My friend said I should also do juices.  It all sounds like work but I will give it a try.  Anything to feel more energetic.  I bought a "Jack" fruit.  It is so strange looking.  I am not quite sure how to eat it.  Next is to fool Dave.  The vegetarian diet must look something like a cheeseburger to please Dave.   Pancakes are next.  I have been told avocado and banana or oatmeal with banana resemble pancakes. (I think I will add some regular pancake mix with all this healthy stuff.)

Who knows.  I may be headed to a holistic doctor next.

I

Set the timer

I am motivated today to continue house projects.  The dining room table has always needed refinishing so I must clear a space and clean out the cellar in order to work on the table.  That little voice in my head says, "Oh relax, you can start another day."  Why does the cellar accumulate so much junk?  It is the place all unnecessary stuff goes when straightening out our living space.  I am reminded of the saying, " How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time."  Fighting the lazy mood I often have, doing some other chore to avoid that cellar all come into play.  My solution?  I set the timer for one half hour or even fifteen minutes and start.  For some reason, I want to continue when the timer rings.

Purpose in Life

Purpose in life!  Who knew this was an important part of feeling better , especially during retirement?  When my kids were young, my life evolved around them.   Between boy scouts, wrestling and skateboarding, Dave and I were kept running.  We did a lot of boating in those days too.   I worked which also took up a lot of my time.  After the children grew up and many years of working, it was wonderful to retire but a little scary too.  I signed up for everything.  Volunteered for everything.  Over the years, it became difficult to care for Dave and continue my many activities.  So caretaking became my new purpose.  I resigned from my many activities.

Another purpose was needed.  Being a caretaker is so difficult.  Almost the same as motherhood, you start to loose your own identity. So I ask myself, "Why am I so motivated on some days and feeling blue and sluggish on others?"  More to follow.

Saga of the Dining Room Table

It was a golden oak round table with four leaves, sits twenty.  My friend had to move.  There was no room for her family heirloom.  Could I store it?  Not really.  I have no room in my cellar as it is.  For some reason it was bothering me.  The table was going to be junked.  At the last minute, I decided I would take the table.  My table was broken and needed refinishing so I would throw mine away until my friend wanted hers back, then buy a new one.  Sounds easy? Right?  My poor son had the job of getting the table.  He had to drive to Port Chester to borrow a truck.  Drive to Peekskill to get the table.  Deliver it to my home.  Return the truck back to Port Chester.  I ruined his day off.  And when the table arrived, I wasn't so sure I liked it!

Surprise.  When the table was put together and liquid gold was applied, it looked beautiful.  Strange enough were the leaves.  The table is a golden oak color but the leaves were dark brown, almost black.  It still looks great.  Another great idea: I am going to refinish my table as it is much needed and certainly less expensive than to buy a new one.  Double bonus is I am now inspired to clean the cellar to make room for the table.

Sepsis

My health is something I have always taken for granted but lately I am getting nervous.  Last week found me in the hospital overnight with a 103 fever and an infection, borderline sepsis. I know that sepsis can be deadly but as I read up on sepsis I realize how easy it is to ignore.  First thought is, I am so tired, I will rest.  Then there is that feverish, clammy feeling.  It must be due to the hot weather, I think.  Next came some dizziness, with body aches.  Time to call my best friend, Sara and complain.  It is wonderful to have a best friend.  We are like psychiatrists figuring out life's problems.  So now I have the advice I don't want to hear, "Time to call the doctor." Ok, maybe I will.

Music Vs TV

Music Vs TV.  Dave loves to watch TV.  He especially likes old movies and his short term memory allows him to watch the same movie every day, like he never saw it before.  I find TV sucks my energy out.  It can be a good relaxing tool but generally I become a zombie.  Not for Dave.  He suddenly wakes up with big smiles to watch "Chevy Chase's  Christmas Vacation."
   Today I blasted music by Al Green, a terrific station. Motivates me. I must find music that appeals to Dave because we could both be happy.  I guess it is ear phones for me.