The final Goodbye

Dave passed away last month. I watched him get so skinny.  It was difficult for him to swallow but somehow the aide helped him with oatmeal in the morning.  He was  hungry but nothing stayed in him for long.  I cried to my son that morning saying, I don't know how much longer he can go on like this.  God must have heard me because he died that afternoon.

This blog was helpful as I poured my heart out to you.  Thanks for listening dear readers,  When I look at other people going through this long goodbye, I know  what stages will follow.  I never accepted how bad he was.  It is a blessing he is gone, but as Michael Bolton sings, How do I go on without you.  It is not easy.

Positive People

I give advice better than take it.  It is so difficult to remain positive at times.  I watch my sweet Dave linger with congestive heart failure.  The doctor came to check his coughing and now he is having difficulty swallowing.  The doctor explains that he is failing and the swallowing is part of the dementia.  I dread the day he can not swallow my pureed food.  The doctor mentions the hospice word and I get all choked.. Let me try to be positive.

O Happy Day

Somedays just start out better.  After my cat had dental surgery, four teeth out and a cracked jaw, the poor little thing is starting to eat.  I see a less skinny body.  hooray.

Today I am going through books.   I keep thinking how much clutter my children will have to go through as I start to throw out or donate.  Ahh yes, let me keep this happy mood.

A friend's dementia

I didn't recognize the symptoms in Dave and I refuse to recognize them in a friend.  I was angry when Dave had memory loss and now I am doing the same with a friend.  Isn't it normal to have memory loss as we age?  I compare my friend with myself and yes, we both have memory loss but I don't ask the same questions a few times in a row, within a few minutes. Scary stuff, this dementia.  Lord help me through, give me strength to be strong and a good care taker.

Dave continues to be bedridden, sleeping most of the day.  Maybe that is the only way his heart can survive.  His congestive heart failure sounds terrible (in his cough) at times and other times, he is just fine.  Did I mention the cat needed dental surgery?   Comparatively speaking, I am doing okay.

On Retirement

        I am back, I missed this blog.  I tried to write on a different theme but found everything relates back to my journey with dementia.  I will try not to be maudlin.
        I am retired over ten years now.  As I look back on my journey, I see a lot of running.  Was the running to escape reality?  I was crazy busy when I worked.  Then nothing.  I joined everything possible to fill my purposeless life.  I taught English.  I tried to volunteer at the VA hospital on their history project.  I taught Church school.  I joined the church’s many committees.  I joined the Women’s Society and finally I joined PEO.  Through all of this, I cut hair at home for several customers.  I left my husband at home who was content to watch TV all day.  I never recognized his beginning stages of vascular dementia.

      My first thought on “after retirement” working was to make some more money.  Don’t get me wrong, my teacher’s pension paid very well. I had no worries on how to make ends meet.  I had no trouble booking cruises for my hubby and I.  After all, “who deserves it more than I?”  Did I save for this trip?  No, it went on a credit card which became another bill to pay.

     The first cruise after retirement was to Hawaii.  It was a beautiful place.  Honolulu was a city with a beach.  We stayed in a beautiful high- rise hotel and couldn’t believe people walking in their bathing suits with a surf board through the city.  It was a short, two block- walk to the beach. The warm waters of the Pacific were such a surprise and the wonderful food memorable.   

     But there were bad memories too.  My hubby, Dave was experiencing leg pains and wanted to walk ahead.  When my brother came back to get me, I asked, ‘WHERE IS Dave?”  In a panic, we ran ahead to find Dave sitting in a hotel lobby.  He had a one-track mind and that was to find a place to sit.  Later, my brother told me they nearly lost their wallets as a group of men hustled them. 

Say Goodbye Dementia

I am saying good bye to this blog because it dwells on dementia.  As I recreate my life, my new blog will focus on retirement.  Who knew this would be such a complicated stage of life?  My sweet Dave continues in his many forms of dementia.  Even with all the work and the sadness, I am lucky to have him all this time.  I try not to feel sad that his quality of life is not what I would choose but hasn't that been the story of our lives?  Choosing our own path?  Look for me at

A New Outlook

How depressing it is to read my blog about my spouse who has dementia.  It was probably helpful to express my feelings as  I learned more about the disease.  I can still make myself sad in an instant by thinking about how life used to be and will never occur again.  But today I choose to have a life of my own.  It sounds selfish but life must go on.  I am not in the same mind set as my spouse.  He is doing what he wants to do.  I must do the same.  So , I guess you could say I have a new outlook.

Going to Carolina

My children want to move to North Carolina.  They are looking at property now. While I will be sad to see them go, I am happy for them.  They have their whole life ahead of them.  I feel a bit stuck in one place.  I have no desire to move but it irks me to lack adventure.  So, I must step back and be thankful that Dave is doing well.
  The other day, we got a bigger wheelchair. We were not eligible for a few months with Medicare but Dave's doctor donated it to him. Dave does not seem to mind the hoyer lift and entire process of getting him out of bed.  He is happy to change room locations for just a few hours. This is our daily life.  It is probably time for me to take a respite.

And today he is back

I will never understand the many forms of dementia.  Dave has been so quiet and sleeping so much the past few days, I have come to accept this behavior as his norm.  A very stubborn Uti rages through him, needing a different antibiotic.  I blame this and his many other drugs for his sleepiness.  But today, I awoke to friendly words, "Good Morning, Mom."  Dave calls me Mom and I call him Dad.
So for today, he is back.

Tydy Procrastination

I love to watch Marie on Netflix on how to tidy up.  I keep cleaning by putting things in the back room.  Well, it is getting difficult to walk back there.  Before starting any project I would stop to make a cup of tea.  I remember my Mom pointing that out to me.  Procrastinating.  Finally, my son reminded me to set the timer and just do it for five minutes.   You know the rest, after a few hours, and no cups of tea, the job got done.

Passion

My son describes a helpful business book about having passion in whatever you do.  I seem to lack this passion.  I used to have it.  The kind that made you jump up each morning to start the day.  Now I struggle looking for that.  Sara said "you are retired, you did that already".  While this is true I still think life has more to offer than just being a caretaker.  So, I moved the piano.  It was stuck behind some living room chairs, making it difficult to sit down and play.  Should the mood strike me.  Now it is in a bigger space in the bedroom.  No excuses not to play.  Maybe I will take lessons again..