Knee pain and dog walks

I took Shaemus the dog in my car to a park.  He rides well in the car and we had a lovely walk.  I think it tired him out and he may not drive me nuts at night.  Just when I am ready for bed, he thinks it is play time.  I feel guilty not taking the  dog for a walk, so there is another reason to fix my knee...it is not getting better...exercise helps temporarily but the pain and swelling is still there.    Between my Mom and my sister, I think I am headed for a knee replacement.

Getting Ready

Getting ready for company is a good thing.  If I didn't have company, my spare rooms would never get cleaned.  My sister and her husband arrive in a few days,so I am on charge.  This brings me back to previous posts: clutter or hoarding?  An empty space clears my mind.  I will try Dave's method of staying in one room until it is finished.

Respite plan

Time to rethink my respite plan.  At first the nursing facility seemed like a good idea.  Last time, the the physical therapy called me to ask what were the best exercises for Dave.  This time, the same place, did nothing.  I think Dave slept most of the time but the bad part was not getting out of bed to walk a bit.  When I brought him home, his legs did not work. 

Dave has been eating and drinking a lot since his stay so I am starting to see his legs work again. So, this brings me to the issue of how to take a short respite and not have dire consequences.  I am thinking a 24 hour at-home care person is the best answer. 

Sundowner

Home again.  Nothing like going away to appreciate home. Boston was a great getaway.  I called Dave at the respite care facility to say I was home and would see him tomorrow.  He said he was waiting for transport to bring him home, a doctor told him he was going today.  Oh dear.  I had to break the news it would be one more day.  He was angry and said ."oh well, I have been disappointed before."  I was so exhausted but I almost jumped in my car to go get him.  Then I decided it was sundowners kicking in for him.  He was confused and hopefully will have forgotten everything today.  OK, time to plan my next trip....

Family night

Movie night.  Family night.  My kids have started a Sunday night dinner routine, taking turns making Sunday dinner.  Never my turn, until holiday time.  I love it.  After a busy week for them, and a boring caretaker week for me, all are happy to get together each Sunday.  And Dave is stimulated by the company.  I am sure other nationalities, from the old country take this for granted.  I remember being so busy with friends, I rarely saw my parents for Sunday dinner.  And if I missed a week of visiting, my Mom would be angry with me.  Don't ask where the time goes but here I am, feeling so grateful to see the kids because it used to be the other way around when I would think, " Where are they? It has been two weeks."

Homeless

Homeless.  It seems the only way to help is to donate money.  There must be more ways.  I struggle with my friend who is choosing homelessness.  He will have to experience this, or hit bottom before doing anything to help himself, if he can.  So upsetting.  A doctor said there was nothing wrong with him  so I don't think any social service can be of help.

This reminds me of not understanding Dave's behavior years ago.  My kids and I were perplexed by his lack of interest in life.   He would watch TV for hours.  Now he sleeps for hours.  Today I blame his dementia.  As I hear other stories from friends, I try to understand  and also try not to feel sad about it.  Like my homeless friend, there is a mental disorder going on here.

Du besser achtung

How to make Dave smile?  Tell a memory.  Dave often spoke of his German father and even learned a few German phrases.  His favorite was "Du besser achtung!" or you better watch out or be careful.  When Dave was in the Navy shore patrol, he picked up some unruly sailors, speaking only German. He recognized a term they kept saying, something like rufus, stufus.  So, Dave replied, " du besser achtung, ferstain rufus stufus."  The sailors understood and stopped talking. I love that story and I guess Dave does too because I got big smiles as I told it this morning.

Overwhelmed

Vacation is coming.  Strange how having plans to get away eases my mind.  It has been said that God gives you as much as you can handle.  Well, I wonder if God knows when I am at a low or breaking point.  When Dave needs extra care and is having a grumpy day or the petty problems of every day start to accumulate, I can feel myself getting overwhelmed.  I can see my friend Sara having these feelings.  She blames it on the dog misbehaving.
So, it is time to get away for both of us. Time to take a deep breath and say, I can handle this.

Day Spa

A day spa.  That is what I need.  I look in on Dave, resting peacefully.  I should join him for a nice nap but alas, it never seems to work.  Too many chores to do. Dave was not feeling well today and I thought it was due to high sugars.  Now I believe he has a virus, so I won't wish I had his restful life.

Fish Mooney Looney

I am so excited for my son and daughter-in-law.  They are hopefully purchasing a new home.  A house with a swimming pool.  Wow.  Best of all is a plan to get a big dog.  A German Shepherd.  His name will be Fish Mooney Looney.  Talk about making your words a reality.  I can see a beautiful shepherd in their new home already, named Fish. (Isn't my daughter-in-law so cute to come up with that name?)

So, it is easy to put a smile on my face just thinking about those happy thoughts.  Just in time too as Dave was sick this morning.  Onward and forward.

Loosing my mind

Loosing my mind. Too many times I have heard stories of people being fine one day, then having a stroke, changing them completely.  Each day I look at the clutter I should throw away. I pretend I am moving and say what would you take to your new home.  It doesn't help.  I continue  to keep too many things.  I guess my children will just get a big dumpster and toss it.  Now that should motivate me.  I will think about that.

Then there are the excuses not to start but maybe they are good ones.  The heat.  My aching knee.  Dave needs me.  It is Sunday.  I will try to start this week with a positive attitude.  I haven't lost my mind yet!!

Party Pooper

What is fun?  I can remember going out on New Year's Eve and telling my elderly Mom and Dad to join us.  Mom said,"No, you go and have fun, we have done that before and prefer to stay home for New Years."  Now I understand the saying, "Been there, done that." Not to be a party pooper, but my idea of fun has changed today too.  Then again, it depends who you are with to consider it being fun.  Too many times, Dave and I went with friends to a noisy nightclub and suffered the boredom of waiting for midnight. Then other times, the time flys, the conversation flows and it doesn't matter if the place is noisey.

Today, Dave is content to watch TV all day or to sleep.  I have learned that his brain does not process very fast so it is easier for him to sleep than to keep up with a conversation or an action movie,  He loves to watch old movies, ones he has seen many times.  His short-term memory has forgotten that he just saw that old movie but somehow it is familiar and pleasant for him to watch. I try to remember that we are on different planets when it comes to having fun. Maybe he is content and is  saying,"you go and have fun I have been there and done that." 

Saving money

Going to Walmart today, the highlight of my life.  Sara said some of her friends make a face and say, "You go to Walmart?  I never go."  Sara replied, "You can pay more for cleaning products if you want."  I never thought about it but it is cost effective.  Personally, I have always been frivolous when it comes to handling money.  I just spend until there is no more money.  This is not a good habit and leads to credit card debt. For some reason, I don't like to limit my spending.  Who does?  I grocery shop with abandon, often getting things I don't need which leads to throwing things out.   Time to change all that. First, I made a list of exactly what I needed in the food store.  Next, I wrote down the price of each item and totaled them up before paying.  I was off a few dollars.  The store must have cheated me!!!  No, I grabbed a few things on my way to the cash register.  I may be hopeless but will try again.  It is a mental decision to be thrifty.  Why do I see it as painful? 

Content for a change

Another beautiful day, especially in the morning.  I am hopeful to accomplish a few chores before the heat of the day begins.  My knee continues to give me pain, although getting better.  Yesterday a very handsome therapist worked on my knee.He used weights and made me work hard but somehow it just felt better...hah. I was also tired after that...or was it the heat beginning.  Oh well, at least I had a nice lunch date with Sara. What more could I ask?

The rug shampoo guys come today.  Hooray.  My rug is so badly stained.  Another beautiful day to be thankful.

Live each day

I feel better.  My soon to be homeless friend called to say he is in a very good place.  After going on a vision quest, three days of no food or shelter, nothing but meditation,  he felt a strong calling to go to Woodstock.  He is helping an artist friend with her projects and staying at her B & B, still  playing his trumpet.  Although I find this lifestyle confusing, I am becoming a believer.  If nothing else, let me learn to live each day in the present, the future will take care of itself.

I also need to apply this philosophy to Dave.  My worry does not change things.  His neurologist said he has a progressive disease called dementia, plus other issues.  It is what it is.

Big dog vs small dog

Long ago memories make Dave smile. The talk was about the value of a big dog vs. a small one last night.  Dave was raised with either a German Shepherd or Doberman Pinscher.  Dave likes to tell the story of having dinner at my mother's house.  Dave is not much of a meat eater so he slipped his huge chunk of meat under the table to my mom's small dog.  Little did Dave know that this tiny dog would not swallow the meat in one bite , the way his huge dogs used to do.. hah..My little dog took the meat out from under the table to the center of the living room, for everyone to see.  Oh my, said my mom, "Don't you like the meat, Dave?"  I should have realized this was a sample of Dave's eating habits.  He is still a very fussy eater.

Early morning

Early morning.  My cat wants to go out at the break of dawn.  I try to go back to sleep but it is hopeless.  I may as well get up. Then I realize this time of day is so nice.  No noise from the TV or from people.  I respect my son's behavior in the early morning.  Usually there is very little talking.  Strange how this time of day is motivating. The day's chores stare me in the face. My brain has a chance to think but by evening, the quiet can be depressing.  Dave goes to bed early.  I have no energy to start a project.  Reading a good book sometimes helps my mood but usually it is the TV that fills the void.  And then I become zombie like, zoned out from the TV.  The solution?  I almost forgot.  Time for music.

Nursing home

I have decided to take a short vacation or respite. Sara and I are making plans to tour Boston. Due to Dave's diabetes, he must go into a nursing home for this short while.  While I feel terribly guilty for doing this, there is a good side to it all.  The nursing home will get him up and moving more with physical therapy.  The last time I did this, Dave never questioned why he was there.  I guess guilt is a self-imposed problem for me.

I love to pick Dave's brain.  He may have forgotten so much but there is always a shred of wisdom lurking around.  I miss his expertise in many things.   When it comes to nursing homes, he is usually pleased to have the pretty nurses take care of him but don't force him to socialize.  There was a lovely lady singing Ella Fitzgerald music the last time.  He almost groaned when I picked him up and asked, "Ready to go home?"   Another time, he was listening to banjo music while having ice cream.  I was surprised and asked if we should go again.  He replied. "Will there be ice cream?"  Then, "No."

Finding the words and God

What is it about writing that makes you feel good?  It must be self talk and having time slow down. I find as I age, the words do not come easily, especially when having a conversation.  It is frustrating not to find the correct words when trying to make a point.  This reminds me how frustrated Dave must feel with his cognitive problems.  No wonder he shuts down and sleeps so much.
I am frustrated when trying to talk about God as well. My words do not convey how strongly I may feel to make someone understand. For example, explaining my belief in God.  My Atheist friend had such powerful points of view.  I finally ended the argument with the thought, "We wouldn't be having this conversation if there wasn't a God."

Out into the wild

Out into the wild.  I am so worried about a young friend who wants to venture out into the world , doing good deeds, owning nothing, living off the land. I mentioned packing his warm clothes because winter is coming.  He hadn't thought about that.  He has good intentions but I fear he is out of reality , heading for homelessness.  Religion is his focus.  He feels God will guide him.  He has three weeks to exit his present home.  I want to suggest therapy but fear I will insult him.  Any suggestions dear readers?

Boating Divorce

Many years ago Dave and I invited friends to join us for the weekend on the boat.  A group of boating friends were traveling down to Montauk, Long Island, NY.  It took several hours. It was a small boat.  Thirty-two foot cabin cruiser  It was important to get along with each other as there was no place to go, either upstairs to the flybridge or downstairs to the cabin.  I keep hearing that country song, "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille...."  because Lucille asked her hubby for a divorce.  No, she was not kidding.  We had many hours of open water to travel and it was too late to turn around.  Needless to say, it was a strange weekend.

Clutter or hoarding

Clutter is driving me nuts.  I am not a hoarder but getting close.  I can actually feel the tension leave as I clear a space.  I remember Dave cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom . Once.  He said this was his Navy training .  He didn't move out of that room until it was finished.  I have so many interruptions that I never have the luxury to do this, but I will give it another try.  I am woman.  Hear me roar.  I can do this.

Angry

It doesn't take much for me to feel angry.  Maybe the heat wave is getting to me.  I find dealing with a snippy sales person is enough to arouse angry feelings.  This is not like me.  I am usually a giving, nice person but this time I had to tell myself , stop the anger, you get more with honey.... take it slow.

At church today, a few spoke up about Divine Intervention.  Something happens to help in the nick of time. Is it Divine?  Nice to think so.  Then someone mentioned the same anger I spoke of with the salesperson but  she stopped to think.  I guess one could say...Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. (And it is all small stuff.)